First, let me just say that I’ve been a long-time listener of HammerHead & Phil’s Morning Mambo. If there’s any AM talk radio show that I feel clearly defines my interests, it’s yours.

I’m writing in because I feel that you were particularly AWESOME on today’s show. The way you hammered into Phil when he disagreed with your political itinerary was classic. I must say that I highly disagree with Phil. 1. He’s boring. 2. The tunes he plays are lame (tell him to put on some METAL!) 3. He clearly is a stupid assbag. I can’t see one good reason why he didn’t agree with your theory of punching everyone in the stomach who doesn’t like Led Zeppelin. It’s a wonderful theory that I, for one, have been putting into practice ever since you mentioned it on the May 2nd show.

So, given Phil’s un-metal loving lameness, I suggest a coup. That’s right, I’m suggesting that we kick Phil off the show. Of course, you’ll need a sidekick, and I think that person should be me.

Your soon-to-be co-DJ,

- Mako

Dude, dude, DUDE.

I’M SO DRUNK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HONESTY-TIME, HONESTY-TIME, man. I’m from the future. No no no no no, wait… seriously. YOU STUPID SHIT, LISTEN TO ME! This writing back to the past is serious business. Me and Greg – Greg from the future who don’t know yet – have been drinking a serious amount of Cuervo at his parents peacock farm. It is some f’d up s, man. They have this weird idea that peacock-dancing is the entertainment wave of the future – well, after SURGE BALL, of course.

Then me and Greg had this idea. CHECK IT OUT! We tell someone in the future to start the peacock-dancing trend, so by the time we come around it’s mega-popular and Greg’s parents (and us, of course) can reap the benefits – and by benefits I mean a dick-load of CASH MONEY.

So here’s what you basically need to do: If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ‘em round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance. If you’ve got just one peacock, get another one, then bring ‘em round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance. If you are 100% sans-peacock, acquire two peacocks, bring ‘em round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

In return, we’ll give you tiny hints about the future so you can maybe possibly benefit from them.

Dude, this is going to be SO SICK. I LOVE YOU DUDE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, MAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Eat my balls,
Dom

If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ‘em out round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance!

Do you even know what that means? Probably not because you’re too busy BEING LAME.

Man, we are from THE FUTURE. We are here to totally HARASS YOU via the Postal Service!

That’s right. It’s super-antiquated in our era. People only really use it to splice through time itself and send people junk mail and bullshit pranks. Where do you think all those stupid letters come from that promise you credit cards, discounted insurance, and larger penises? The effin’ future, that’s where.

Do we have a bigger purpose, you ask your STUPID self?!?!?! I will answer you with a whispered “perhaps.”

Dude, it’s like this: I just dropped some mad flim on some honey chilies.

You stupid past assholes don’t even understand how AWESOME that is. That means I just bought myself some great socks. In the future, we call socks “chilies.” Why? Because we are so much better than you and can do whatever we want!

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, you got a letter from Dom. That is not my name. My name is Greg. Both of us want you to shut the hell up, break up with anyone you’re currently going out with, and focus all of your time on us.

Oh, and bran. Buy a whole truck-fuckin’ lot of bran. Eat that shit. Love that shit. And write letters to your government about the importance of bran and bran research & development.

I will leave you with some lovely words from the greatest non-presidential vocalist of your generation: Mr. John Travolta

Look at the rain and look at the stars tonight
All fallin´ down on me
See them tumble through my door
I look at your face
The light is in your eyes
And there´s something there I need
I long to hold a little more

FUCK YOU,

- Greg

If all else fails remember these words:

“Girl I can’t understand it, why you want to hurt me
After all of the things I’ve done for you
I buy you champagne, roses and put diamonds on your fingers
But still you hang out all night, what am I to do?

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time

Girl I seen you at clubs, just hangin out and dancing
You give your number to every man you see
You never come home at night because your out romancin
I wish you’d bring some of your love home to me

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time”

Bill, we know that you have had some issues with your girlfriend recently, we know it seems like she wants to party all the time. Just remember that the 59th President of the United States, Mr. Eddie Murphy, can commiserate. It happens to all of us.

Now stop moping around, you have to stay focused if you’re going to help us prevent this tragedy. Greg and I have been diligently working to prepare every upcoming occurence so as to prevent any tears in the space-time continuum, and that’s not easy for two dudes who have worked in the Bran Factory for half their lives. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, STAY SHARP, KID!

More info to follow, make sure to check your mailbox and floss daily.

-Dom

Now that we got the awkward part out of the way (gosh, that was weird…but NECESSARY), we can get down to business!

Here’s a list of items that we need:

- 3 popcorn flavored lollipops
- 17 cases of Fuji apples, flash-frozen to preserve the 100 year journey to our time
- A 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card

Here’s a list of the preliminary tasks we need you to do:

- Read up on canaries and bran
- Get yourself into shape, specifically your upper body and your “digging muscles”
- Buy a puppy and take loving care of it throughout its life

The last one isn’t for us, but it’s just a good idea. Puppies are wonderful. Better than dolphins (fuck dolphins, man).

You’re probably very confused, and that’s ok. We’ll explain more to you when we’re able to.

For now, all you need to know is this: the first three letters were weird, yes; uncomfortable, yes; but necessary? Very much yes. We need to reverse a POWERFUL event that has taken place, and you need to do it for us.

So, this is the first time we are being nice and “normal” to you. But, again, our first three letters HAD to be sent. If you sift through our insults and odd requests, you’ll find some valuable information in them.

For now, you get to those lists I just left you! If you’re good, we’ll explain some stuff next letter.

- Greg